So, I’m just going to be honest…I don’t feel like doing what God has called me to do. Well, that’s not entirely true, but it is for the most part! I just don’t feel like doing all the work it entails. I want to be a doctor, but I just wish I could fast forward like 10 years…that would be really great! There are so many factors that go into my reluctance to be pre-med. In the past, I have dealt with doubts of whether I am smart enough, If I’m too old, etc.
I have also thought “If only I had enough money to pay my tuition outright, not worry about rent, food, medical expenses, etc., etc., then I’d be at peace enough to just focus on going to school. I wouldn’t have to worry about the hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt I’m going into.” Which as I was saying this out loud to my Mom earlier today made me realize that I am putting my trust in money and not God! If my peace comes from a bank account and not from God, my Provider, then I’ve got to rearrange my thinking. Yes, I know that God is taking care of me and will provide for me…but I would just love to have the comfort of having control over the situation that comes with having more than enough money to cover everything I need.
Also, I have been complaining about school starting tomorrow. I have literally been dreading the Fall 2016 semester since last semester ended in May! I had a long year last year, so that’s part of it, but I just don’t want to be in school. Period. I don’t want the pressure, stress and non stop assignments, labs, homework, quizzes and tests. It’s just not what I want to do! So I’ve been panicking/whining/freaking out about this school year. Over the last few days, I’ve realized that I am technically doing what God has told me to do, but I’m not doing it cheerfully and with a good attitude. I’m basically dragging my feet, throwing a temper tantrum because God is ‘making’ me do something I don’t want to do (even though there’s nothing else I could really think of that I want to do. I know, I’m very complex. haha).
Mini rant: The truth is, I really don’t want to do anything!! I know, who doesn’t? I mean, I would like to volunteer, help with/start charities, something like that, but nothing tooo taxing. haha. I’m just being honest. And pre-med/medical school is demanding! I don’t want any demands on my time – at least not to this extent. Alas, I have come back to the real world…
So, I have realized that I am basically saying to God “Lord, I want what you want for me and not what I want for me.”, “Please lead me and guide me. “, “Tell me what You want me to do.” But at the same time thinking “I know I said I want to do what You want me to do, but this? This is a lot for me! I don’t want to do this.” I didn’t realize that my complaining, panicking and wishing He would somehow make me independently wealthy so I don’t have to worry about finances was essentially nullifying my prayers for His leadership. I really don’t want His will for my life if I am putting conditions on His will. I am essentially saying “I want Your will, but I have final approval.”… and that’s not how this works!
So, I have come to the realization that I have to choose to be cheerful. God has a plan for me, just like everyone. He will provide for me physically, spiritually and financially. All I have to do is pray for His grace and mercy and He will take care of me and help me through the parts of HIs plan for me that seem overwhelming. One thing I know is that this journey has brought me closer to God because I need Him more than I would if I were doing something that was easier for me. This has caused me to rely on HIm more. Spend more time in prayer, really ask for His guidance from the school to go to, which classes to take and everything in between.
I have felt that my life can’t really begin until I’m out of residency (at least 10 years), which is ridiculous! Yes, this career path has a lot of obstacles, but I can do it. One, because this is what God wants me to do, so He is blessing me to be able to do it. And two, I have the peace of knowing that God will make a way for me because I am within His will for my life. I just have to be sure not to mess it up with my complaining! I have to enjoy my life now, while I’m in school. Any good parent won’t reward their children with the things they want if they’re complaining and throwing temper tantrums all the time! God is the same.
I continue to ask God for His guidance daily – and for HIs help with my attitude towards school. The best thing is that God helps us with EVERYTHING He asks us to do! There is nothing He won’t help us with!! That is so amazing. If He wants us to do it, He will help us, including help me with my attitude problem. haha. Outside of my attitude not glorifying God or showing HIm gratitude for allowing me to be in school, my attitude can make this experience enjoyable…or miserable. I just need to get it together – with God’s help.
Have you struggled with God’s calling on your life? I’d love to hear how you have dealt with it!